Deciding Whether or Not to Divorce

The lead feature in each issue of Ladies Home Journal is a column entitled "Can This Marriage Be Saved?", which the Journal bills as "The most popular, enduring women's magazine feature in the world."

The feature has three sections. The first section is "The Wife's Turn" in which the wife recounts the frustrations of her marriage and why she is considering leaving it. Second, the husband takes his turn and talks about his unhappiness. (The husband usually comes across as being more at fault than the wife.) Third, the counselor takes a turn and analyzes how the couple reached an impasse and what can be done to save the marriage. In Ladies Home Journal, the marriage always is saved.

In real life, marriage counselors, of course, do not save all marriages, but they can help save some marriages, and they also can help wives and husbands with individual growth regardless of whether they decide to divorce. The decision to divorce usually is not an easy one. It is common to go through periods of ambivalence when deciding whether or not to stay with a marriage. The ultimate decision may based on a combination of logic, intuition, and gut feeling.

Placing structure on the decision-making process can be helpful. If you are considering divorce, you might benefit from making a series of lists. The first two lists could be reasons to stay married and reasons to divorce. The reasons would include what you like and don't like about your spouse as well as other factors, such as impact on your children, impact on your relationships with extended family and friends, financial security, and day-to-day needs and services provided by your spouse.

You'll note that not all items on the list are of equal weight. You might try a quantitative approach--assigning a number value to each item on the lists ("five" for high importance; "three" for middle importance; and "one" for low importance). Add the columns. See how the numbers compare. Put the list away for a while, and then look at it again to see if there are other factors or changes in the importance of items on the list.

Another list (somewhat related to the first two) is a set of goals for your life. Try to list all the important goals--perhaps a warm, sharing relationship with a mate; happy, productive children; time with friends; a satisfying job; travel; recreational activities; spiritual growth. Then go through the list again and try to figure out how staying with your mate will advance or interfere with the goals, and, conversely, how a divorce will advance or interfere with those goals.

When a marriage is in a rocky period, it is common after yet another fight or another humiliation to think, AI can't take this any more! I've got to get out of this relationship!" The time may come when that is true, but the negative times also may be part of a cycle that needs to be placed in perspective.

One way of gaining that perspective is to keep a log or make marks on a calendar regarding how you feel--about your spouse, your marriage, yourself, or life in general. Make brief notations (perhaps in code if you are worried about discovery) about how you feel each day. Keep the log for a month or two and then look at the overall picture. Do the bad days really outnumber the good? Is there a pattern to the good days or bad? Do the same issues arise?

One cautionary note about keeping logs or diaries: in some states these might be subject to discovery in court litigation--meaning that your spouse and your spouse's attorney may able to order you to produce the logs and diaries for their inspection because the documents might be relevant to some issue in the case. In other states, logs and diaries could be protected under a right of privacy or under rules that keep confidential documents that you prepare to help your attorney with the case.

The decision of whether or not to divorce boils down to the question: "Am I better off with my spouse or without my spouse?" The answer lies not only in how you feel about your spouse and how your spouse feels about you, but also in an assessment of how your total life will be different after a divorce. There may be prospects for a better romantic relationship after a divorce, but other things will be different too. Will that total cluster of differences be a net improvement or a net deficit?

On the subject of hope for a better relationship in the future, take inventory of the reasons for the breakdown of the current relationship and try to assess if you truly have the perspectives and skills for a better relationship next time around.

A deep perspective on what went wrong is hard to achieve. It takes some genuine soul-searching with careful attention to patterns that developed in relationships with parents early in life. Many therapists have noted that people seem to have an unconscious radar that draws them to mates who have significant characteristics in common with their parents--particularly the negative characteristics.

Husbands and wives who had conflictual relationships with parents may have vowed not to marry someone with a particular problem. The husband and wife may (or may not) have avoided that problem, but often they zeroed in on a mate who duplicates some other problems from which they came. There is comfort--perhaps unconscious comfort--in things that are familiar, even if the result is conflict.

Before heading out on a new path in the quest to feel whole, it is best to be sure the path will be a better one. There is not a precise, automatic formula for deciding whether or not to divorce. Many counselors, however, agree that there are certain circumstances in which divorce is often the best solution. A divorce may be the best solution if you are married to a person who is abusive; addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling; or severely mentally ill. Even in these circumstances, there is the added question: "Is your spouse genuinely willing to seek professional help?" If so, there may be a relationship worth saving. The spouse, however, must actually seek help and stick with it. A mere promise to change followed by a few days of improved conduct is not enough.

Describing more subjective factors in the decision to divorce, psychiatrist, Dr. Peter Martin has written in The Ann Landers Encyclopedia A to Z, "In my experience there are only a few factors that would make a marriage impossible to save. One is the absence in both mates of the ability to feel sympathy for the other. This is usually accompanied by a deep unchanging hatred."

Monitoring your own well being is another indicator of the need for divorce or making other changes. If you chronically feel sad or if you have low energy, trouble sleeping, and a difficult time focusing on day-to-day tasks, that probably is depression. Similarly, if you are developing anxieties or phobias about things that did not bother you before, or if you are physically ill more frequently than before, these too are signs of trouble. Professional help from a physician or therapist can help, along with an evaluation of how much of the problem is related to the marriage.

For many people contemplating divorce, there is not a single, dramatic circumstance that leads to consideration of divorce. For them, the problems do not include abuse, addiction, or mental illness. Instead, there is a growing malaise (coupled with anger)--a growing sense that the marriage is not working and that the relationship is draining more energy than it is giving back.

For many couples, the primary problem is communication. This book is not a detailed "How-To" manual on healing an injured marriage. There are dozens of books on the shelves on that subject. But it is worth re-capping some of the main themes of marriage counselors on how to improve a marriage. Unless the need to get out of the marriage is urgent, these steps can be useful: Try talking again with your spouse about your feelings. Focus on your feelings and on your partner's feelings. Talk about what makes you happy or sad--what you each need. Start with subjects that are relatively non-controversial and work up to more sensitive topics.

Recognize that if you or your spouse came from a family where feelings were suppressed or punished, it is hard to talk freely about how one feels. But also recognize that neither one of you are mind readers. If you want your spouse to understand how you feel and what you'd like, you have to communicate.

Talk in a way that is non-accusatory. Name calling and listing the other's faults just adds to the anger and usually misses the heart of the issues. Humiliating or demeaning each other is not going to solve the problem. If anger erupts, take "time out". . . leave the room for a while; take a deep breath; count to ten; hold off discussion of the issue until the next day. Don't respond in anger. But do tell your partner what makes you feel angry or empty.

In addition to avoiding verbal anger, watch body language too. A sneer or rolling of eyes can have the same counter-productive effect as a verbal assault.

To help make sure you each understand what the other is saying, structure the conversations so that you each listen carefully. Allow each of you to speak uninterrupted for a few minutes. After one of you has spoken, have the other repeat the essence of what was said--without commenting on what was said. The goal at this point is to insure that you each understand what the other has said and felt--not to reach agreement on a particular issue. Talk about why you feel a certain way. Recall your relationships with parents, siblings, or former spouses. Think about why you may have an emotional allergy to certain things your spouse as done or said. Your "allergic" reaction may be more severe than "normal," but nonetheless quite understandable when you (and your spouse) see where the reaction is coming from.

If you have fallen into the habit of not spending private time together and really talking, schedule some time. Take a walk; go on a weekend vacation; schedule a series of half-hours in the evening (but not so late in the evening that you are too tired). If you have children, hire a sitter and go out by yourselves. If you can't afford a sitter, perhaps a friend or family member can watch the children for a while. Find out what little things would make the other happy. Do them (and try to come up with a few things of your own initiative). Work up to bigger things.

Marriage counseling can be useful. Counselors can be found through a variety of sources, including: family physicians, hospital referral services, crisis intervention programs, other community service programs, friends, and Yellow Pages (usually under "Marriage Counselors").

Marriage counseling is not guarantee of saving a marriage. In order for a marriage to work well, it takes commitment by both partners as well as a reasonably good match of partners in the first place.

Even if marriage counseling does not save the marriage, a good counselor can facilitate communication and clarify issues. If the marriage is going to end, marriage counseling can be converted into "divorce counseling"--helping the parties to get out of the marriage while minimizing harm to themselves and their children.